dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
