you guys were way drunker than both of me
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
