I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
