I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
