No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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