He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
