i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
soo... how was my night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
