I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
