Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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