Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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