last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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