she woke up with a sticky ear
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
