I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
