I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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