it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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