I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize