Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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