Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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