I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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