The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
