I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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