I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
