pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
