No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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