so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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