I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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