He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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