After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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