We're facebook friends in real life
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
