her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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