youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
