I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
