i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
