I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
