Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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