my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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