sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
