I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
as a side note pls kill me
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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