I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
