Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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