Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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