How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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