So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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