My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
