This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
