I'm going to jail i love you
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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