Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
