I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
