just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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