I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
